dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Umm I'm too high to move.
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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