he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
