Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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