I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
