i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
