3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
