I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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