So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
