im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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