Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
