My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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