i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I DEMAND FORESKIN
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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