I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
