How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
