Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
