You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
