dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
