omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
