I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
