i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
