We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
