the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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