Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
