I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm gonna fight the coyote
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
