how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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