I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
