Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
