I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
