So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
