can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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