OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
