Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
