he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
