thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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