This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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