It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
