my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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