this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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