I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
