Ambien. No doubt about it.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
