my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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