he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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