Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
she pinky promised me she was 18
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
