i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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