I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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