its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
