Barsexuality is the new black.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
