So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
