your parents love me but you hate me
We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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