i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
