My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
